More resting

I’m really enjoying this taking some time off of practice thing. It is snowing again here…and I expected to be irked, but instead I’m actually finding it quite beautiful.

Did a little stretching this morning and am continuing on with Michael Gannon’s led pranayama series. Tomorrow I will move on from Sama vritti and do the first pranayama. My temporary crown is hurting today, they told me that it is probably too high which is why I’m getting soreness. So it looks like another, extra, trip tot he dentist to get that adjusted, oh joy!

Rest

It feels nice to take a little break from the practice. My body has been responding favorably. Very little in the way of soreness, achiness. I’ve been doing some hip openers and shoulder openers to placate my fears of backsliding into a stiff un-asanable mass of flesh, but on the whole resting. Listening to what my body has been telling me. I’ve been doing quite a bit of sitting and noticing my old habit of talking myself into things, sometimes with very harsh critical language…this is something I would like to continue to let go of. I think this voice is what ultimately changes my practice from a thing of joy to a duty, job, responsibility, burden, etc. I’ve been doing some sitting meditation and focusing on this ‘talk space,’ as Shinzen woudl call it.

The crown feels funny, my tongue is constantly playing with it. it’s so interesting how something foreign in the body is immediately recognized and body makes its best attempt to remove it. Yoga seems to work under this same process, though guided by consciousness. We bring our intention in line with the body to remove foreign elements in the physical, emotional, spiritual, intellectual sheaths of our being.

Dental Work

Ouch! I had my crown set up today. I’ve never really had much dental work, of this extent anyway, so it was a surprise to be there for 2.5 hours. I continually had to gag during the process which was partly embarrassing and the dentist was getting somewhat irked as well, I could tell. But after 3 or 4 tries to get the impression for the crown they finally got it. What an unpleasant way to spend the morning, have all sorts of needles, and instruments shoved into the back most reaches of my mouth. Not to mention the financial setback..thank god my partner works for someone else and we have dental insurance…it could have been alot worse.

So now i have to go back in about 2 weeks to have the permanent crown put on. This temporary one feels funny and my tongue keep bumping into it. Not to mention I’m starting to feel some pain as the novocaine wears off.

Last two days I’ve been feeling positively exhausted…I thought I was coming down with something, but it seems to be just this lingering fatigue. The hip situation is still occurring, I’m thinking maybe its time to take some rest…I’ll gauge how i feel later on in the day.

Transition

Saturday is a day of less activity for me, though unfortunately today I ended up working for a few hours.

I’ve been reflecting over the major changes in my life, and the many possibilities that are opening up before me. Over the last 6-7 months not only have I re-started my yoga practice, but I’ve also been going through a new phase of transition that started its first chapter about 3 years ago. That I entered a psychology graduate program that was half personal growth/transformation/gestalt therapy retreat and part rigorous clinical program. Since then the old buddhist adage that ‘the only thing you can count on is change’ has become so real to me in my everyday life. I am hyper aware of my every changing emotional tides, the impermanence of every moment, and the ultimate possibilities around me. I am also aware of how responsible I am for whether I manifest my life in one direction or another. Fear has been coming up in me as I approach new and somehow scary possiblites in my career direction. At this point I feel exhausted. It has taken a lot of energy to face fear and have the courage to move in a direction that I never had dreamed possible.

There are opportunities…do I need to act now, or is it ok to rest to recharge before taking the next step forward?

It is so interesting how my asana practice is a little microcosm of my life…I am facing a similar place there…I am making progress I have surmounted hurdles and done asana’s I never thought possible…but my body is also telling me it is exhausted and needs rest, the possibility of injury if I continue on with the same intensity. The asana practice is nice because the voice of my body becomes so rich and clear….I don’t feel the same clarity in my ‘real life’ decisions.

There is the fear of regret with missed opportunities…fear of my own self-criticism if I don’t achieve and keep up with my peers (the insistant voice of comparison and judging.) There is the lone voice of my body saying ‘take your time, take action at the appropriate time, every moment is new and full of opportunity.’ Why is it so much easier to quiet my thoughts and listen to this voice in practice, but not off the mat? This is my edge, and it takes courage and energy to move away the neurotic fear, anxiety, doubt and embrace my own path, my own timing, my own offerings to the world.

Primary today

Today I did all of primary with some modifications to help my hip, piriformis thingy….Took it really easy in the half lotus and lotus postures, did them…but with much less intensity than usual. AFter the end of the session I got up out of savasana and had a little bit of the weakness sensation, but much less thant he last two days and no limp. I think I’m going to have to take it really easy for a while and see what happens.

Wednesday, I’m planning to call the insurance company and look into a phsycial therapist. I’d do it on Monday or Tuesday but I’m getting dental work done then and probably won’t be able to talk after my mush mouth novocaine treatment. Looking forward to a rest day tomorrow and a weekend of semi-relaxation. Still need to catch up on domestic tasks etc. I;ve been ignoring all week.

Strange Hip Pain

I’ve recently had a strange sort of hip pain that think might be related to piriformis, but not sure how or what is occurring. Though I’ve had it in the past (about a year ago) and it has disappeared on its own, I’m a little worried as it seems to be becoming reoccurring. I first notice it after practice, a sore of sore weak feeling int he right hip, and the leg sort of wants to give as I walk away from the mat. I can eventually walk it off after a few minutes. It is then gone, with maybe some residual soreness around the right buttock and hip, lower back area. Often, the weakness and pain with a slight limp will occur after I’ve been driving in the car. The area seems to stiffen up. After I’ve gotten out of the car I will limp for a minute or two and then everything is back to normal again? Weird. I’m not even sure what kind of healer/doc I should go to for something like this.

If anyone who reads this has any suggestions or insights please comment. I’m going to post this on Ezboard too to see if I get any help there.

Namaste.

Emptiness

I’ve been experiencing a strange evolution from the confusion of last week. I still feel the many stresses of life floating around on the peripheries of thought, body, emotional body. Though these worries, fears, agitations etc seem very thin, transparent and they aren’t touching me deeply. At my core there is a spaciousness an emptiness, though coexisting there is a sadness touching me deeply. I feel as if I am letting go of something deeply held, but impossible to put into words. I’ve been looking for refuge int he usual ways, food, meditation, walks outside, but the emptiness continues to hollow out, there is no where to abide right now I just have to follow this process. The funny thing about it is it hasn’t affected my functioning in day to day life at all. Everything is working just fine.

Practice: did standing and stopped, my body was asking for a rest.

Tired

Felt like flailing mass of limbs today in my practice. I think those two days of led primary with Sharath woke up my body to a different lvl of intensity with the practice. However, I was quite weak and stiff/sore today. I tried to move with each breath, alas I took extra ones. i did notice some increase in depth in Mari D, though my hands are still quite far apart, espcially on the left side. My right hip seems to be opening, but is sore when i walk and feels a little like it is going to give out. This feeling passes after walking around for a couple of minutes.

My goal now is to keep going with the intensity, the heat, the tapas, but to NOT tweak out somehting or injure myself. Figuring out how to have a vigorous practice without pushing myself past my edge is my personal Koan right now…..well has been for quite some time. I was at this point of feeling strong and rigorous with the practice a couple of months agoa when the ego took over and pushed me two far. I ended up with a sore shoulder and knee and a careful slow uninspired practice for a couple of months. Can I learn from past errors? We shall see.

Another quick practice

goes by with the help of Sharath’s soothing counting. Well, I’ve got to say I’ve sweat more in the past two practices than I have since I started self-practice again in July. Also, I felt more of the yoga high that I used to get consistently in my practice. Though I wouldn’t want to use Sharath’s CD every day it is a useful pointer to where I have been slacking in my practice. The speed of the practice inspires total concentration for me, which I would like to carry over into my personal practice.

Dream

I had another yoga dream last night. The second one I can remember. This time I was doing Hanumanasana. This is an asana I never practice. Maybe once or twice in the very beginning of when I became interested in yoga about 6 years ago, but never since I’ve taken on the Ashtanga practice. In the dream the pose became effortless and enjoyable….I got into it very easily surprising my dream ego and the other people around me. It felt natural to be in that position. Hmmm…perhaps I should start practicing that one. It’s been an asana that I look at and say to myself ‘I could never do that’. That statement is one I’ve said many time to myself about asana’s that I can now achieve…some of them fairly effortlessly.

Practice with Sharath yesterday was delightful. I really enjoyed his pacing….it was fast, but seemed right on for me. It reminded me of when I began taking led classes of primary in Somerville, MA in 2002. i noticed that he only includes 3x Surya Namaskar B…I wonder if that is how it is done in Mysore now? I always do five on my own.

The practice was brisk, no frills, just simple counts with a couple of comments like be long, or cross the feet, etc. I ran into a little trouble around Mari D, as I need to struggle in this posture and there is no time for extraneous breaths. By the time I got into it it was time to move on. I was also shown that I cheat, breathwise, in some of my ‘difficult poses’. I noticed that my personal version of Navasana my breaths speed up alot and I am not holding them for 5 of Sharath’s counts. I was quite exhausted by finishing, in a good way, and was not able to hold Shirshasana for the full count, only about half.

I liked it so much I may even invite Sharath to lead me again today.