Been awhile

It’s been awhile since I’ve had a chance to blog here. I’m still dealing with the knee issue which seems to change day by day. I’ve recently been able to get into a very loose sort of half lotus with it. Incredible progress based on how stiff it had been, though there is sometimes some strange sort of cracking and releasing going on inside the knee that is both alarming and seems to be an incredible relief when it happens. So its day by day, and we’ll see what happens.

Last weekend I had the pleasure of participating in the Annie Pace workshop in Denver. It was a much needed for me, as it has been almost a year since I’ve had any formal teaching. She cleaned up my act and got the vinyasas going traditionally…without knowing it I had strayed from the traditional way of things. I’m almost inspired to go back to the studio again it felt so helpful to have a teacher and the community. Not to mention the puddled sweat, which I’ve definitely missed…the 100+ degree temperatures helped with that. I loved learning from Annie, her experience is obvious and she was both strict in her teaching, but very loving and humorous about it. A little strictness really works well for me, and she didn’t let me get away with any of my cheating.

Over the next month or so I’m going to try to arrange things so I can make it to mysore at least once a week. Annie showed me some further modifications for the knee which allowed me to work the pose rather than essentially avoiding many as I had. Most of these modifications revolve around using a strap as ‘knee floss’ as she put it. Essentially I fold the strap in half as a spacer in the closed knee (relieves much of the pressure), and move the strap in and out, flossing the knee to find out where I can relieve pain and torquing in the knee then holding the strap around the knee as a support with one hand. I used this in Ardha Baddha Padmottanasana, Ardha Baddha Padma Paschimottanasana, Janu Shirshasana C (also using a block to sit on), Marichyasana B, D. A block was also used in Janu A, b on the left side to give the leg something to push into and open the hip. I was amazed that I could practice and keep the knee so happy. Feeling positive about practice again is probably the best thing that came out of the weekend. Annie reminded us ’slowly, slowly’ and if we couldn’t quite get chin to shin in Ardha Baddha Padmottanasana ‘More Chapatis.’ When I first heard her say this I laughed so hard I fell out of the pose.

She also fixed my headstand, and it actually feels therapeutic for the first time ever. She assisted me with Chakrasana, and it felt so effortless…have not been able to duplicate the effects. Also got my question answered about how far to go in the practice….she watched me closely and allowed me to do full primary, so full primary it is from now on.

A highlight of the workshop was having the wonderful pleasure of meeting Yogamum and her yoga posse…great people, very nice and welcoming, who I hope to hook up with again soon to practice.

I still feel like I’m integrating all of what I received in the workshop, I’ll write more as it occurs to me.

Courage

So the last few mornings I’ve been waking up as if drugged…..eyes hard to open, body heavy, stiff, immovable, awareness soft and relaxed but murky, breath deep and slow. In a way it is quite pleasant, much more relaxed than I’ve been in recent months. Seems as if many ambitious career moves of mine are heading out of an initial rocky transition stage and into more groundedness and stability. The past year has been a continuous cycle like this of transition, stabilize, transition, stabilize, and well its tiring, but I’m beginning to think this is how life has been all along….at least that’s what the Buddhists say. ‘The only thing you can count is change.’ I feel as if I’ve been so tapped into it lately and acutely/painfully aware of having no ground. In a way my knee problems feel related to this, not being able to stabilize myself completely.

I have a felt sense that this most recent period is coming to an end and a new cycle is beginning. I will be taking more risks in attempts to manifest myself in coming months (in the career world), but they seem less risky and scarier somehow than others have been over the last year. To sum it up, I feel as if I’ve developed a dynamic grounding amidst all the change, and continue to learn how to do this. Ashtanga, and dealing intelligently and skillfully with this injury have been good training grounds for life in this way. I feel more courage to move forward and unfold….

Practicing Outside

I had a glorious practice outside in the grass near my apartment. It was sunny and 75 degrees a gentle breeze. I originally set up in the sun, but one drawback of my black mat is that its started getting hot and burning my feet…I moved under a tree and continued. I think I will start a little earlier tomorrow before the sun gets so hot. One significant bit of progress for me is that I am no longer obsessing about my injury and the fact that I can’t ‘do’ many poses in the ‘proper way.’ I just practice the asanas with my modification and move on. Initially i would think of how my practice used to feel, and generally beat up on myself and feel negative about my practice…. spiritual maturity perhaps? We shall see.

Did all of primary (with mods)…total practice of about 75-80 minutes..pretty speedy for me, not as much fussing around in the postures.

No practice

Despite my best intentions and hauling my bulky black manduka mat on this weekend’s road trip (yes I am a poser :)), I neglected to practice on Sunday morning and instead gorged myself on large father’s day breakfast with my partner, and her Mom and Dad. I did squeeze in a short Saturday night practice in the hotel room. Yesterday, I woke up completely nauseous from the road trip food I consumed on our 14 hours of driving and was unable to practice. Events conspired against me and no Monday practice either. Today will be different, though I did wake up too late. I will squeeze in a late morning or afternoon practice. The good news is I’ll be blasted with practice during this weekend’s workshop. I’m excited about studying with Annie Pace, as I’ve never done one of her workshops before.

I’m bummed that my knee recovery has been so glacial, and I’ll be omitting or heavily modifying much of the series. Still no where near being able to half lotus or lotus (on either side because of the pressures this creates on the opposite knee.) I need to remember to honor myself and my own limitations during the workshop.

Happy Moonday

I actually was not happy, as I found out it was a moonday this morning right before I was about to practice. I was hoping for a long sweaty practice today…after yesterday’s rushed ADHD type practice. My experience is that I usually hurt myself on a moonday, so as I am already recovering from an injury, and am feeling better…I should be a rule follower today. Oh well, I’ll juice up tomorrow’s practice a bit.

I can’t wait for my weekend getaway starting tomorrow…I hope I have a time and place to practice. All I have standing between me and freedom is a staff meeting, blah!

Happy Moonday everyone!

Short practice

The shrieking of my alarm clock did nothing to get me out of bed this morning. It is now late afternoon and a sense of nagging lethargy has followed me since then. I had a breathie and bandhie practice this morning, but wasn’t able to do too much as I was late to the class I am assisting in. I got through standing and a few closing postures, short savasana and that was that. The knee is feeling quite loose and open today. I have been able to bend the knee more and more over the last few days without any discomfort. Still a long way from being able to do a half lotus on that side, but still better. The hip seems to be moving more and reducing the stress and pressure I’ve felt on the knee. The whole left side seems to have gained some flexibility and the lost the rigid holding feeling I’ve been experiencing. Some intense emotions have been roiling through me over the past couple of days: grief, sadness, despair, and joy. I attribute this emotional releasing to the opening of my left side.

Was able to do a bit of light pranayama before practice this morning and this seemed to facilitate the movement of stuck feelings/emotions.

My goal is to get up early enough tomorrow to get the whole practice in.

Feeling Better

Though my knee had a strange feeling in it when I walked around outside this morning, that abated by about 10am and it is feeling distinctly better. I noticed this yesterday and wondered if it might be a fluke. I’ve been able to put more weight and feel balanced in both legs. Not back to ‘normal’ for sure, but better. I have no pain or sensation int he knee other than when I do yoga…all normal life activities do not stress the joint. I haven’t done a practice yet today, but plan on doing one later. We will see what information that brings. Need to remind myself to be kind and back off…even if things are feeling better.

less careful practice

I’ve gotten in the groove of using my straight leg vinyasa in jump-thrus and my straight leg sweep back vinyasa (jump) back. I hesitate to call it a jump because there is hardly any lift in there, at least today. More of a lean forward over the folded good leg and sweep back bad knee leg, then bring my weight forward over arms and straighten good leg, dropping into chaturanga. The practice has become more fluid and less careful as I’ve found safe boundaries for the injured knee and am not tweaking and re-tweaking.

The knee seems to be regaining some flexibility, though I’m hesitant to bend it much as that could cause the healing process to be arrested somewhat. There has been a little bit of popping in the knee, but it feels more like the ‘good’ kind, rather than the joint wrenching popping of before. I’ve been doing some physical and emotional work with my body worker as she feels that this injury is related to alot of my 2nd Chakra wounding, about restricting affect and early relationships (ie. Mom and Dad). I hesitate to work more on that, but we are addressing it on a body level which has been very interesting. My whole left side seems to be loosening and opening (though glacially). Alot of difficult emotions have been coming up and practice has again been an oasis for me. A nourishing place to breath and move and be fed pranicly. The left side correlates to the feminine energy, and alot of the emotions associated with my recent life transitions were being held in that side, causing rigidity and my recent injury. I feel I am starting to release these and the knee has been freed up more as a result, and the corresponding hip.

On a physical level I went to see the physical therapist finally. It took them about 2.5 weeks to get me in. He gave me the old 6-8 weeks to heal the MCL, and he also thought from where I was having sensation that the Meniscus was irritated on the medial side. He said this should heal over time, but could not guarantee it, he was also very non-commital about his ability to diagnose the extent of the ‘irritation’. No surgery necessary at this point, though I will have to be very careful going forward. Looks like I might need to have more investigation done if that pain at the joint line does ease up.

So practice goes on and continues to be of great benefit to me. I am beginning to let go on a mental level regarding my attachment to the complete expression of the poses. It is feeling like I am honoring myself by easing off and allowing the body to heal….

My ultimate test will be to really ease off and not push myself during the upcoming yoga workshop. One of my edges, in group setting, is to really listen to my body rather than moving forward with a gusto that can induce tweaks and injuries. I really have no choice, but to do a practice to that involves no aggression and pushing, if I want to heal that is.