Back to the mat

Most of the time between Thanksgiving and the holidays was deliberate rest period for me. My knee had become painful again and I thought rest would be a good experience, though I did breakdown and practice a few times during that period. I am now practicing sporadically again and have practiced 3 days in a row over the last few days, which will hopefully evolve again into the 6 day week. As Woyopracmo is starting very soon I better get on top of things.

I’m beginning to wonder if I have any choice, but to have surgery on the knee. I finally went to orthopedic surgeon to have it looked at (It took them four months to get me in). They now want me to go for an MRI, believing it is a meniscus tear that can be repaired (sewn back together). The recovery from that involves having my leg in a brace for 6 weeks post surgery so I can’t bend it. Basically, I only have trouble with the knee during yoga, though running is mostly out of the question at this point. Who’s to say that even with surgery I’ll be able to practice with full range of motion with the knee…I’ve heard stories of complications and whatnot with this surgery, and increased risk of arthritis. It’s a hard decision to make as I’d like to have full use of my knee again, but the potential costs, complications, etc of the surgery don’t really make it particularly appealing. I’ve only had one surgery (well 2) before in my life and I was very young and it involved some severe complications that required a second surgery to fix. So I’m sure I’m contending with some fears left over form that experience.

Not sure what to do at this point. I’m not one to have unnecessary surgery….I’m still trying to figure out if this is necessary. The MRI is the next step so I will go ahead with that and see what the results are.

Bad Man

Bad yogi, bad blogger. I’ve been working really hard lately and long hours since I returned from Thanksgiving trip. It’s been about a week back and only 2 practices to show for it. Got to get back on the horse with that. I’ll try to keep things updated here. Good news is that the knee is feeling better. No practice is good for it.

A little bit more

Today I returned to the studio for morning mysore and found myself doing a little bit more than I do in my home practice. This is sort of my deal at the studio, I used to push myself in a very aggressive and obvious way…and also do a lot of comparing (wandering driste syndrome). Well now just have this little urge to do a little bit more…and I did. I’ve been slowly adding a few seated postures, none of which i can do particularly well because of the knee thing. So today i did the Janus and started to do the Marichys, but felt some twinges in the knee. Like a good practitioner I listened to my knee and went into closing/finishing and savasana. The wandering driste thing is getting better, though today we had alot more people in mysore, I think because of this teacher’s intensive that is going on. Some of them had very impressive practices and I couldnt’ help but notice, and of course I ended up comparing myself and feeling demoralized about my crippled practice. I was able to snap out this rather quickly though and come back to my practice and my breath…so this seems like progress and the kind I can really make right now, the internal kind now that the knee is so dodgy.

I am very grateful about going to mysore again..the heat and the group energy is really helping me.

Standing

First of all I want to take a moment and thank those of you who commented and expressed sympathy because of my knee issues and other things I complained about. I’ve realized that I spend alot of time complaining here, and find that quite distasteful, but I can’t seem to stop. As far as my yoga practice goes I have many many complaints…particularly the fact that I can’t practice ‘correctly’ because I my knee issue. Anyway, I’ll try to curb the complaining in the future.

Basically everything I do causes pain in the knee at the moment, though there is less after practice than before, so I have deduced that this abbreviated practice is a good thing for me right now. I did take about 4 days off, before hitting the mat again, i wonder if I should take months off and perhaps that is what the knee needs. however I am driven by an obsessive fear that if I take a long break I will lose any modicum of flexibility and strength i have achieved and will feel so put off by the task of regaining that through practice that perhaps I woudl just give up Ashtanga all together. I’ve never been much of a quitter, I tend to show a lot of tenacity with most things I undertake, so I’m not sure if that could actually happen. I do know that my practice is not fun the way it used to be, it is slow, painstaking, somewhat painful, careful to the point of obsessiveness and not flowing the way it used to. There I go again with the complaining….anyway, I think I need to reevaluate why i doing this practice and to realize that it is the internal aspects breath, driste, bandha’s that are really imporant. I’m just sooo tired of dealing with the knee. And don’t say ‘just have surgery’ because that’s not an option for me right now. I’m been consulting with some folks, admittedly from alternative medicine, who feel it is completely possible that my knee can heal without a surgical intervention and I’ve chosen to go that route. The question is however, do I have the patience to stick with this long healing process? We shall see.

On another front I have recently started eating a small amount of meat every week as a health recommendation from another one of my alt. med. friends. So far I have felt much stronger and have seen no negative effects on my yoga practice. Again we shall see….I realized I had been having cravings for a long time for meat, but had been eschewing them for spiritual and health reasons. It is nice to have permission to indulge this.

Bleh

Recovering from stomach issues all weekend, the knee is screwed. Well, its not really that bad, but I’m feeling very sorry for myself about it. I had been making such progress too.. I will try my best to be present and content despite the setback. I’ve cut my practices back to just standing postures until any pain disappears. Virasana with a block is about the best thing for the knee. It really stretches the muscles around the knee and allows for some space in there. Took a couple days off right after the injury and things sure did stiffen up int he muscles around the knee. My stomach is been weird since Friday night..so I’ve had to give up coffee for a while which has been very enlightening. I realized how addicted to it I’ve become. This is the third day off, and I’m feeling a bit groggy, but not so bad. The second day after I take a break from coffee I usually have alot of sadness come up and I’ll burst into tears at the slightest provocation…the only thing I can deduce from this is that perhaps I use coffee to bottle up some emotions? Who knows. Anyway, I’ll get a chance to see now that I’m taking a break from it. I secretly enjoyed my short practice today…well i guess it wasn’t really a secret, but I did enjoy it. I didn’t feel totally knackered the way I have been lately….perhaps I was doing too much. Another forced break….maybe I can raise some awareness about the line between pushing my edge and exhausting myself.

The Return

I’ve started going back to the shala, or rather ‘the workshop’ as we call it here. It has been over a year since I went for the mysore classes there and was pleasantly surprised by what I perceived as a shift in energy….whether the shift came from me changing or the vibe of the place, I do not know. Boy am I sore! The shabby and frayed corners of my practice have been neatened up, and the result is incredible soreness (good pain) and stiffness today. I remember this happening before when i took a break did self-practice then returned….so it will pass. I’ve also been told ‘I’m very close’ to being able to jump back properly, which has been both boon and somewhat of a torture, as the teacher is now making me do it every time, or at least a very earnest try. I hear my name come from across the room in a slightly perturbed tone if I do not go for it….I’ve started to harbor the hope that my knee will actually recover without surgery, though who really knows. I go to see an orthopedist in Dec, so I will take that professional opinion into consideration.

At the present I am able to get into a loose lotus during the end part of practice enough to do a semblance of Pindasana, uthi pluthi, etc. The knee is still not right, though it seems more a matter of regaining flexibility at this point….

At any rate, its defintely re-ignited my desire to practice and i get loads of adjustments from the teacher as there have only been about 5 or 6 of us in the morning mysore. I’m going to try and keep it up, going 1x per week and the rest self-practice until I can figure out a more consistent way to get there.

Nausea

Alcohol is now making me sick. So the Margarita’s didn’t go so well…..as i somehow sensed it reated a tamasic nightmare in my stomach, accompanied by the hot burrito I consumed. Fortunately, it passed quickly and my Saturday wasn’t ruined. I have noticed that as my practice gets deeper and more intense I often go through a period where I can’t drink at all, and often even lose my desire for ‘toxic’ substances. Lately, the knee has been feeling better…no doubt due to Laksmi’s magic, not all the way there, but definite progress. I haven’t had to be as careful lately, still vigilant, and thus have had deeper more intense practices…lots of sweat and purification going on. When I practice that intensely over a sustained period I find that I often cannot tolerate harsh substances at all (with the exception of coffee)…this is a good sign and I am happy about, just wish I had been a little more in tune with myself before drinking Margs and the spicy food. Anyway, my body let me know. Been feeling very good about my practice again lately, and am realizing that some deep detoxing is going on right now…duh! So no more alcohol…or I’ll stay with something more mellow like wine….Friday is the only night I ever drink anyway, but looks like I might give that up for awhile. San Pelligrino is a nice substitute.

Bollocks! Tweaked again

Today was a ‘good’ practice. Hot, sweaty, somewhat flexible. I’ve lost some flexibility just because I can’t do as many deep hip openers due to the injury. I felt very strong today, lifting up was somewhat easy, and jump through’s were bordering on floaty. Did SNs, Standing, and a couple of sitting poses then went to finishing. Thought I would make it through the whole practice without having any pain at all….then in pushing up into Urdva Dhanurasana, the second one, I felt some strange movements on the inside of the left knee accompanied not so much by pain, but just that strange feeling of things moving that shouldn’t be. I noticed how I mentally freak out whenever this happens and start to get flooded with a lot of negativity about the practice and feelings of fear in my body. I went back down to my back and just took some deep breaths, after the fear passed I tried again. I didn’t bring the foot on the left towards my hip joint as much, leaving it looser. the closing of the joint and the pressure on it as I lift up seems to cause the tweakage. Once up in it I brought the foot into a good position and was able to safely lift through the legs, making sure to really concentrate on the quad engaging. Very carefully I came down and no more tweakage. Was able to repeat this for a third time. Seems like nothing major happened as i didn’t have any more pain than usual (even when I’m not practicing) once I came out of Savasana and the rest of the day. Phew…I thought i was suffering another setback.

Something else i did today, which really seemed to help was to hold all standing postures for 10 breaths. If I’m not actually going to be doing many asanas I might as well work them a little more. My shoulderstands really suck now, its more like a half shoulderstand. I thought they sucked before, but they have taken on a new level of suckage. O well, with more practice I’m sure they’ll come back. My back body seemed overly tense and stiff today….I’ve been playing some more guitar lately, maybe that is the culprit.

Pain in the Arse

or more accurately, a pain in the knee(s). Actually the knees are feeling quite good as I’ve been avoiding yoga and sitting on the floor…though i miss my sitting meditation practice, yoga I’m not really missing so much right now. Think I’ll have to meditate in a chair for awhile. I can’t be arsed to get up and try any yoga today. A combo of fear of re-tweaking mixed with actually enjoying the forced rest…..yoga has fallen off the list of daily obligations. Kind of nice, though I miss the cozy embryonic feeling of mari B. Cranky ass mood continues, though I’ve gotten a lot of support from loved ones and friends over the past couple of days, definitely helps to rally the good people.

Everything that I’ve heard about including cuss or swear words in your posts actually works from a pure stats perspective. I received a comment from laksmi…and everything she said was right, ‘cranky’ and ‘ass’ are a killer combo for good stats. Almost had my best day ever yesterday, missed it only by 3 hits.. darn! need to get more extreme, though my sense of good decorum and my lack of profanity in my everyday life is limiting. I need to face these limits and break through them. It seems that either frank and explicit self-disclosure (particularly about relationships/sexual escapades) , or copious vulgarity and swear words are keys to spreading my persona all over the blogosphere. This is a leading edge for me and I thank all of you for your support in this yogic endeavor going forward.

Today’s experiment will the word ‘arse’ and ‘pain’ together garner me any improvement in stats? we shall see.

Attitude

Today my attitude was much improved over yesterday. Thanks to everyone for their supportive and wise comments. Much appreciated. The mind was calm…partly because of how early morning it was. No expectations…just hanging with my body where it is at.

Felt no pain during practice, only got slightly into the seated postures before I had to go to finishing and wrap up as i had an early meeting this morning. Strangely enough the pain came back this afternoon, I just hopped out of the car and there it was. Usually sitting and walking are fine, and painless. So additional ice is called for.

Still not sure what to do with the imbalance of binding and lotusing on one side but not the other. Maybe if I continue things will balance out…my injured side is usually my “good” or more flexible side…so maybe after recovery from this I will be perfectly balanced….we shall see.

Once I’m recovered more I will probably go back to the studio to get some expert help from the teachers there….I have a little bit of fear of hurting myself there as I tend to push more in that environment and not listen so carefully to myself….

Looking forward to a long weekend and more bodywork on Monday! Next week I start teaching (as an assistant) a yoga class at my former graduate school…looking forward to it!